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Word on the street is that the success of Sex and the City: The Movie means there’s going to be a Friends flick, too. The studios are always in search of the easiest buck, but come on. Fine, if you want to curse your viewing public with some more awful TV remakes, here are a few more to start with. (Editor’s Note: We realize that at this point the Friends movie rumors are debunked. Still, we’d like to go on record as saying the movie will probably happen anyway. Which gives us plenty of room to pre-emptively complain. Thanks.)
Mad About You
Don’t forget, it wasn’t just Friends that made Thursdays in the ’90s Must-See TV. Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser can reprise their roles, and the world will rediscover the truth all over again: Paul Reiser isn’t funny. (My fake sources tell me he’s also available for a My Two Dads remake.)
America’s Funniest Home Videos
A dramatic fictionalization of a guy getting hit in the nuts by a waterskiing monkey. Starring Tom Hanks, with Nathan Lane voicing the monkey.
Square Pegs
VH1 keeps telling us that the ’80s are still hip with the kids. Yesterday I saw like six people wearing pink Izods with popped collars, so hell, maybe they’re right. Throw in Sarah Jessica Parker’s new box-office clout (she was the geek, Jami Gertz was the preppy), and somewhere a producer is thinking, “Maybe she could play the principal. The fabulous principal.”
Cheaters
Joey Greco, shaky cameras, and slap fights! It’d be like Cloverfield crossed with Caged Heat. Actually, I’d see this. Come on, Greco got stabbed fighting for the right to spy on guys who live with their moms.
Baywatch Nights
Sure, a Baywatch movie might stack the multiplex, and poor Pamela Anderson really needs a cameo gig (bodysurfer carried away by her implants? Zodiac rescue boat?). But why not take the high road and go with Baywatch Nights, which spun off The Hoff and that guy who played the cop as private detectives? Come on, he got to wear a sport coat! Why wasn’t this a hit again?
JAG
Fine, nobody you’ve ever met watched this show; and yet somehow, it was on TV for thirty-six years. There are forces in the universe that shouldn’t be trifled with. The JAG audience is one of them.
Dancing With the Stars
People seem to eat this junk up, why not just give them ninety minutes of it? Wait, it’s already ninety minutes long? And people watch it? All right, that’s it. I give.
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